Tout Wars: Juan Soto And Pray For Rain


As FDRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR has said before, “Today, will live in infinity.” No truer words have been said repeatedly over and over again, but mostly in my brain. This league crawls itself into my brain and gnaws like a gnat. Imagine a gnat named Gnat opens a diner in my brain named The Peach Pit, and it’s only frequented by Bad Thoughts, and these Bad Thoughts take all the pre-draft prep that I do, and, immediately after my first pick, the Bad Thoughts whisper, “You screwed up.” That’s how I feel with this league. Is it as bad as I think or did I let in too many Bad Thoughts? It prolly is just bad. So, my Tout Wars team stinks, but, if everything works out as intended, then my Tout Wars team might only kinda stink. Here’s to kinda stinking! For those unaware, this league is 5×5 with OBP instead of AVG, two-catcher, 12-team NL-Only league. Anyway, here’s my Tout Wars draft recap:

C: Roberto Perez $1
C: Manny Pina $1
1B: Matt Olson $35
2B: Ozzie Albies $29
SS: Jose Iglesias $6
3B: Jon Berti $1
MI: Jose Barrero $2
CI: Garrett Cooper $1
OF: Juan Soto $49
OF: Seiya Suzuki $29
OF: Dylan Carlson $14
OF: Lane Thomas $9
UTIL: Bryson Stott $1
UTIL: Jake Fraley $2
Bench: TJ Friedl, Tommy La Stella

P: Chris Bassitt $16
P: Mike Clevinger $14
P: Ranger Suarez $11
P: Ian Anderson $10
P: Huascar Ynoa $9
P: German Marquez $8
P: Jose Quintana $2
P: Rowan Wick $6
P: Alex Colome $4
Bench: Johnny Cueto, Chris Stratton

I’M GOING TO TRY TO BE IMPARTIAL, BECAUSE I’M JUST A SCREAMING VOICE IN YOUR HEAD RATHER THAN ACTUALLY YOU, BUT DOES THE WAR ROOM EVEN LIKE THIS TEAM OR IS THIS AS BAD ON PAPER AS IT LOOKS ON HTML?

I know, Mr. Al Caps, it is just kinda sad looking, right? My War Room totals (free with the Razzball subscriptions) are as follows:

So, the War Room doesn’t appear to hate my team. Let’s interview the War Room to find out what really thinks:

“So, you like my Tout Wars team. Why?”
“I was being nice, I don’t really like it.”
“I see. Why stop being nice now?”
“Because.”

So, that was illuminating.

SINCE THE WAR ROOM LIED TO YOU AND YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY SHOOK, AS THE KIDS SAID ROUGHLY SEVEN YEARS AGO, WHY NOT JUST PACK THIS POST IN AND SAVE YOURSELF A HEADACHE?

Nope, I will trudge on and try to figure out why I don’t like the team.

GREAT, I SAY SARCASTICALLY.

Hate having so many one-dollars players. Not how I roll usually, so how did that happen? Allow me to go into mind-numbing detail.

My plan going in was get Juan Soto, because I love him, and this is an OBP league. No matter the cost. Seriously, I would still be bidding him up if someone else would’ve stayed in. I’ll go to $260 on Juan Soto, then take out a credit card, and go into debt for the rest of the team, if it were allowed. So, Juan Soto was on the team first. Got him for $49, which is the price we have him for in our NL-Only values that include OBP (the link there goes to 5×5 with average). After drafting Sexy Dr. Pepper, I took a long pull of my kiwi-honeydew vape, and leaned back in my Barcalounger. My job was done here. Then Matt Olson was nominated and my values–Actually, you wanna see my values? Let me hear ya! *listens to my computer screen* Hmm, can’t hear anything, but here is my team hitting values:

El oh el at Jon Berti and Garrett Cooper. There, you see Matt Olson was down for $36, so I went to $35 and crickets. I shut my window to try to damper the sounds of nature, and shrugged. I like Matt Olson a lot. He’s a 40+ homer, .370+ OBP guy. He’s actually above Freddie Freeman on my values (barely, Freeman was $35). Then, after drafting Olson, I had one job:

Wait for Seiya Suzuki.

Tap my index finger against the desk and count Mississippis until Seiya was nominated. That was all I had to do.

At around 45 Mississippis, Ozzie Albies was nominated, and I allow myself one high-priced MI, so, ya know what, Grey, you handsome bastard, you like Ozzie Albies, don’t you? Night and Day, Albies? Sure! So, I locked him up, and went back to waiting for Seiya.

“How long until I would be Seiya’ing Suzuki on my team?” I asked myself. Then I turned to my reflection and said, “You’re clever too, you ess oh bee!”

Then another 85 Mississippis later, I was like, “Stop staring at yourself and nominate Seiya!” Unfortunately, I couldn’t find him in the draft room, how do you search this thing–Finally, there he was! Nominated! I had willed it into existence! I figured I was going to get Suzuki for $19-ish. Maybe $22-ish! Perhaps $24-ish! Then, the price was up to $28 and I was like, “Am I not going to get him? Do I even want him anymore? This is a lot for him. Stop second guessing yourself, you’ll have enough for the rest of your team.” So, I went to $29 for him, and that last voice lied. I didn’t really have enough for the rest of my team. I love Seiya, but I likely should’ve said see ya to him. It cramped up the entire rest of the team for money allocations. I was all out of allocations, and so lost without you (the rest of my team), as Air Supply would’ve sang of my team.

OKAY, THAT WAS A LONG, WINDING ROAD OF STUFF I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW. HOW ABOUT YOUR PITCHING? WHAT KING OF BINGO-BANGO MISTAKES DID YOU MAKE THERE?

My pitching is decent, methinks, and metalks like a leprechaun. Here’s the pitchers’ values:

Aside from the hilariously awful Berti and Cooper, Chris Bassitt is the only player I went over our listed prices for, because I’m a dog person, and also I love Chris Bassitt, as anyone who’s read the site for a minute knows. (An Urban Dictionary minute, which is a long time.) I would’ve been out at $17, but $16 feels solid for a 170 IP, 8.7 K/9, 2.4 BB/9, 3.60-ish ERA pitcher. He has upside on his new team too. Scherzer and deGrom pitching more IP than Bassitt? You making that bet?

Should address the elephant in the room: Ian Anderson, and why is he dressed like an elephant? Take off that stupid costume! So, he’s the first pitcher this year that I’ve drafted that I don’t like like, and likely contributed to some of my apathy towards this team. I don’t have anything personally against Ian Anderson. I love Jethro Tull. It’s a lovely band. Shizz-boom-bang, as their music sounds to me. In my top 40 starters rankings, I said I was avoiding Anderson. He looks like he’s getting by on smoke and mirrors, and eventually that magic turns into the abracadacrapper. Also, my big problem with him is his ADP, and here I was able to get him for a very good price, so, well, interjection, I drafted him. I’m not thrilled, tee bee aitch.

CAN YOU PLEASE END THIS ON A POSITIVE NOTE? YOU’RE BUMMING ME OUT.

Okay, I have a positive for you. Here’s my War Room totals from last year:

And that pitching team was the best in the league (with a cheap Tyler Mahle and Freddy Peralta), and my hitting was:

The dog’s breakfast. That hitting couldn’t have been worse. So, this year’s team can’t be worse, after I learned all those lessons from last year…and drafted Juan Soto, a high-priced 1B, 2nd OF and MI again. Nah, the real takeaway is, as William Goldman once said of Hollywood, no one knows anything. My team should be competitive, and the rest is in Juan Soto’s hands.



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