Shane Makes Me Want To McClapmyhands

…And then I say, “Shane!”
Shane Shane bo bane, bo-na-na no faux number one! Shane!
And then I say the name McClanahan!
McClahananananana bo-ana! McClahananananana no faux number one! McClanahan!

The superlatives will be lacking when it comes to Shane McClanahan (8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.87, yeah, and you don’t stop). On the Player Rater, he’s the best starter. On the Rest of the Season Player Rater — that’s right, we have a Player Rater that knows the future, Shane’s number three. Even the stats thinks McClanahananananan will be at worst the third best starter the rest of the year. I wrote a sleeper post about him coming into this year. I love, love, lurve him. Yet, I didn’t even think he would be this good, this fast, but me mi mo whoa he’s been good. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Andrew Kittredge – Hit the IL and sounds headed for surgery to remove loose bodies from his elbow. David Caruso whipping sunglasses off his face, looking at Kittredge’s elbow, “The perp of those loose bodies in that elbow…looks like a joint effort.” Yesterday, Jason Adam (1 IP, 0 ER, 2nd save, ERA at 0.72) got the first crack at the 9th, and he’s been as good as any Rays’ reliever, but Colin Poche would be my guess for the Rays’ closer job. It’s a muddled-up mess. JKJ has the Bullpen Chart updated, as always.

Ji-Man Choi – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Fun fact! Ji-Man in Washington, D.C. translates to FBI.

Miles Mikolas – 8 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Miles going beyond what could be expected of him. Call him Kilometer Mikolas.

Tyler Stephenson – Out four to six weeks with a fractured thumb *closes computer, throws it out the window* Fantastic.

Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.07. With a better defense or any manager but Dumb Bell, Mahle would’ve had a 7-inning shutout. Different decisions throughout cost Mahle at least an extra 15 pitches. There was one moment in the 1st inning, where the Reds brought in their infield against Ketel Marte with one out, and I was like, “Damn, that’s either my IBS or a new ulcer.”

Pavin Smith – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, because, my God, he’s boring, but he has been hot.

Christian Walker – Left the game after taking a pitch to the melon. Christian HBPer.

Willy Adames – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. “That’s a Willy dong!” That’s Kolten Wong from the bench.

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. As Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!”

Bryce Harper – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Okay, we get it, now let’s see him do it without a knee!

Odubel Herrera – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, coming one game after a four-hit game. Here it comes, the hot streak Schwarber does every year.

Brandon Woodruff – Dealing with Raynaud’s syndrome. Anything with “syndrome” in its name scares the shizz out of me. I don’t even like the Cinemarama Dome, because it sounds too much like a syndrome. Raynaud’s syndrome means he struggles to circulate blood to his fingers. I don’t know anything, but this sounds bad.

Corbin Burnes – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, 4 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.60 in 113 pitches. Four walks in four innings is a big ol’ woof, and not Brandon Wood. Burnes looked as bad as I’ve seen him look, and he’s coming off a 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER. I’m not panicking, but I also don’t have him in any leagues.

Ken Giles – Could debut during the next 11-game homestand that starts today. Fun fact! I’m a homestand, homesit, homerecline, sometimes even a homeliedown, you name it! Giles could see high-leverage situations, but likely eased in.

Shohei Ohtani – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.64, and 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Ohtani is truly a one-man show, which is so effin’ cool and really effin’ sad for the Angels.

Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Just got strikeout-envy. Those are the kind of “bad” lines Robbie Ray’s supposed to have!

Stephen Strasburg – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, as he was activated from the IL. I put the over/under at 50 IP. Anyone want the over?

Jesus Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. The awe that I watch his homers doesn’t compute with how few he hits. He should be hitting three a week.

Tanner Scott – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 3rd save. He keeps getting the Marlins saves, even though Bass makes more sense, and he’s on theme with fish.

Gerrit Cole – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.63, allowing five homers. Sorry, can’t write anymore. I’m buying a ticket for my cruise ship, the Love Gloat. It’s fun fun fun. Pool during the day to gloat; afternoon is shuffleboard and gloating; nighttime is dinner and dancing, where we dance The Gloat.

DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer. DJ will be performing nightly on the Love Gloat. See ya there!

Joey Gallo – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer. Since May 31st, Gallo has 3 HRs, and is hitting .364. As my mother would say, not for nothing, it’s not nothing.

Aaron Hicks – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Went to look at how awful he’s been on the Player Rater. And it’s awful! Around 500th overall, right next to Teoscar Hernandez. *places hand into mouse trap to feel anything*

Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer. The Bux stops…where? Coming up after the break, our contestants try to guess the date Buxton goes down.

Carlos Correa – 2-for-4, and his 4th homer. Also, in this game, Luis Arraez (1-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .359) hit his 2nd homer and Trevor Larnach (1-for-4) hit his 5th. The ball was flying out in Minnesota last night, or was it because of Dylan Bundy (4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.87) and some other scrub?

Jack Suwinski – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and third homer since Sunday. Incredibly, this week’s hottest schmotato in Schmotatoland is a Pirate.

JT Brubaker – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.60. Brubaker kept the ball on the ground, so guess you can call him the Micro Brubaker, because he’s cooking with tiny hops.

Konnor Pilkington – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 3.57. Welp, he always sucked, it was the matchup that was good, and it wasn’t good enough for him.

Josh Naylor – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer. Been a bit yawnstipating lately but I’m still a fan of Naylor’s. He’s a huge power guy who can hit for good average. I won’t say Captain Woo-ish, but very poor man’s. Call him Harvey Wippleman.

Oscar Gonzalez – 4-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .404. Someone put Ted Williams’s frozen head in the microwave! So, I’ve been overdue to mention this doode. He has no speed, a little power, like 15-ish homers, and a very good contact rate, which could lead to a decent average. Oh my God, the Guardians created a new Steven Kwan! You bastards! Gonzalez feels like a great bet for AL-Only, but, unless he’s hitting .375+ forever (he won’t), he’s gonna get stale in mixed leagues. Think: Steven Kwan.

Christian Bethancourt – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer this month. Bethancourt sounds like an afternoon judge show starring a Real Housewife.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Carlos Santana has a new song, The Dead Cat Bounce.

MJ Melendez – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. MJ is the greatest! Sorry, LeBron fans.

Logan Webb – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.77. Webb’s been super meh, but Streamonator loves his next, and I agree. Here’s hoping we get a positive Logan’s run.

Tyler Anderson – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.07. Streamonator hated this start, and loves his next and I’m still down with this clown.

Max Muncy – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he was activated from the IL. This home run came after Trea Turner was intentionally walked in front of him on a 1-2 count! Yes, Tony La Russa gave Trea Turner a 1-2 intentional walk. “And finally we salute you for normalizing the 1-2 intentional walk.” — That’s Leury Garcia inducting Tony La Russa for his 2nd plaque, this one in the bathroom at Tony’s house.

Jake Burger – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. That’s a double-double and, because I’m screaming, it’s animal style too! Clearly, the Burger King is a hot schmotato. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, but he’s here now.

Dylan Cease – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.14, but six runs were unearned. That was such a bad ticker shock I was staggering around like Redd Foxx, clutching my heart.

Lance Lynn – Could rejoin the White Sox next week. He had his knee tendon replaced with the catguts of a tennis racket, so if anyone hits him a comebacker he can volley it back.

Eloy Jimenez – Left his rehab assignment, due to sore legs. Eloy’s rehab stints take so many ill-advised twists/turns/stops that it’s like Tony La Russa is driving them. So, Eloy needs new legs; who’s volunteering? *one hand slowly raises* Adalberto Mondesi? Is that you? No, you can’t volunteer!

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