Have you ever been to Staten Island? Shame if not. It’s one of the best boroughs. Imagine if they built a pizzeria on top of a garbage dump. That’s Staten Island. On Staten Island, there’s a Mother Mary statue on every lawn, as far as the eye can see. On each Mother Mary statue, there’s garland and Christmas lights. All year around. If you were to turn on all those Mother Mary Christmas lights statues together, you could see them from the moon. The electric bill would be a fortune too, about as much to cover the gabagool expenses for the entire borough. Anyway, you take all those Mother Mary Christmas lights statues’ electrical power, and you still don’t have the power of Vinnie Pasquantino and the sheer electricity he brings. In 69 games — hey now! — of Triple-A, he had 18 HRs and a 12.2% strikeout rate. What is he, a power hitter that’s gonna hit .280? Mama mia, that’s Italian! His walk rate (12.5%) was over his strikeout rate! *pinching the cheeks of Vinnie Pasquantino’s player page* You’re so handsome! With Carlos Santana being traded to the Mariners — figured Carlos Santana would’ve went for a last hoorah in Philly with Rob Thomson, but oh well — Vinnie Pasquantino is worth a flyer for power in all leagues. It’s Vinnie Pasquantino PaiSZN! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Edward Olivares – 0-for-4. Wanna hear the funniest thing that’s borderline psycho? I started Olivares in a weekly league. Like he’s gonna start every game, let alone stay with the club through next Sunday! *turns to mirror* Yo, you’re cute in a macho way, but hella stupid.
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.22. Ya know what I’m watching right now, “Say Yes To The Regress,” and it’s just a video of me cheering regression for a pitcher I don’t roster anywhere.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Nice bounce back start from Gausman looking like a number two to three and more like the two to one we thought we had. Keep up the solid work, KG!
George Springer – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .259, as he returned from multiple days getting imaging on his elbow. I’m sure he just wanted some pics of his elbow for the ‘Gram.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Would love to see Cake Batter aka Duncan Hiney get smoldering for the next 90 games, because he’s been a real low boil the first 72. By the by, The First 72 sounds like a movie I don’t want to see that Cougs drags me to. “Sure, okay, Ethan Hawke’s in it, great.” That’s me miserably agreeing to a made-up movie.
Matt Chapman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Because I’m a sick sadistic ess oh bee who likes to torture himself, I’ve been watching Chapman and Olson on the Player Rater, and, boy, has it been way too close.
Trevor Larnach – Needed core muscle surgery and will be sidelined for six weeks. Larnach described the issue as terrible knots in his stomach, and the Twins thought he was talking about teammate, Garlick. Larnach’s replacements will be Celestino/Garlick. They’re good for SBs, that’s not steals, that’s abbreviating Sbarro.
Gary Sanchez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer. I was thisclose to making him my batty call last night, and, instead I was stuck watching The First 72 with Ethan Hawke until I fell asleep.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.17. Honestly, I don’t even need quite that good of a start from him, but just competent while staying healthy. Rather than taking this as a jinx, universe, please take it as me humbly asking for Sonny Me to be “just solid.”
Triston McKenzie – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.03. The Regression Fairies had just finished making a “We Love Hopper” sign for the next half of Stranger Things’ season four, and they will kill your ratios. Streamonator sees McKenzie’s next start vs. the Yanks and raspberries its robot lips.
Kris Bryant – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Let’s see if he can stay on the field, you only have him six and half more years, Colorado!
Chad Kuhl – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.49. In Coors? A complete game shutout vs. the Dodgers? Kuhl? More like, did someone put menthol in my PCP-laced joint? Chad Kuhl is proof that every pitcher does well after leaving Pittsburgh.
Tyler Anderson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.23. This was such an easy bench you honestly have nuggs for brains if you started him. I love ya, but your brain is well-battered chicken tenders.
Mitch Haniger – Has begun light jogging. Great, he’s in week one of The Biggest Loser, only I’m the loser for drafting him.
Kyle Lewis – Took batting practice as he’s been out for almost a month with a concussion. Is there somewhere I can bet that we will never see Lewis and Haniger on the field at the same time ever again? Feels like a solid $5 that could pay, what? Even money?
Jesse Winker – 0-for-3, and suspended for seven games for his part in the brawl on Sunday. A week suspension sounds like the best news for Winker’s owners all year.
George Kirby – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.08. Was there an official announcement for a Home Run Kirby or was it impromptu?
Austin Hays – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. Also, in this game, Adley Rutschman (2-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer; Ryan Mountcastle (1-for-4) hit his 13th homer; Anthony Santander (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 14th and Jorge Mateo (1-for-4) hit his 6th homer. I missed this game; did anyone see if there were kids on the field trying to catch fly balls during the Home Run Kirby? Was Chris Berman announcing with lots of “backs?” Did they put an extra ball into play so one of the Orioles could win a free house for a lucky fan?
Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.19. Not sure what I was hoping for here. If he pitched poorly again, then it might’ve been time to move on. If he pitched really well, he would’ve shown signs of being back. This “just okay” start? It means we have to hold with no idea what to expect.
Noah Syndergaard – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.86. David MacKinnon approves…or is that Noah Syndergaard? Or are they one person that’s split into two? Exhibit A that they’re the same person split into two:
Gleyber Torres – Had a cortisone injection in his wrist after hurting his ankle. Makes sense? Cool, explain it to me.
Aroldis Chapman – Will make one final rehab appearamce today, and I can only imagine the Yankees are begging the Fantasy Baseball Overlord for Aroldis to get injured. “Someone rang?” That’s Fantasy Baseball Overlord wearing a towel as he magically lifts from a swimming pool. Boone on Monday said Clay Holmes has earned the closer role. It would make me incredibly happy if Holmes remains the closer, but I find it hard to imagine Aroldis setting up Holmes. Hopefully, I’m proven wrong. Either way, Holmes is a hold in all leagues, because he’s just good.
Jordan Montgomery – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Giving up five runs to the A’s at home is straight-up Joker material. Getting beat by Elvis Andrus? What, is this a tie-in with that new crappy movie with Tom Hanks in a fat suit? You fitting me for a straitjacket with this shizz or what? C’mon, man! Get it together!
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th homer, on pace for 44 homers. HR to the Izzo!
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. And the 18th time this year I’ve said audibly, “I love you.”
Bryce Harper – Will need surgery on his thumb. Damn, did the Snell pitch make his thumb an innie and he needs it pulled out? Can’t even imagine what kind of surgery is needed for a fractured thumb, but I get squeamish watching Dr. Pimple Popper, so I prefer not to think about. They’re saying Harper might be back by late-August, which seems like wishful thinking, but I have no idea.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Sucks to see this, because it reminds me to look at Juan Soto in the Nats’ lineup, and I don’t want to until he starts hitting homers. Can’t Soto take part in a home run derby in April to get him right? Do we have to wait for the All-Star Game every year?
Oneil Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. His first homer was 109 MPH and it looked like he barely made any effort. A Cruz missile of love.
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Wainwright subscribes to HBO Max — Hyperbaric Oxygen turned to max to blow young life with a mix of virgin blood into an aging pitcher. Did you think I meant the channel?
Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Au Shizz!
Juan Yepez – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, and three homers in the last two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Jack Flaherty – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. Flattery might get you everywhere, but Flaherty can’t get you to the third inning.
Harrison Bader – Hit the IL with right foot plantar fasciitis. Colloquially known as Chia foot.