I Knew Charlie Was Morton Just A Washed Up Ace


Chazz whiz, he looked good! Wait a second, did I just invent his new nickname? From Ground Chuck to Chazz Whiz: The Story of Charlie Morton as told to me by Statcast sliders. Yesterday, Charlie Morton went 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners (zero walks), 11 Ks, ERA at 4.84, and now we’re talking II. Related to but not Travolta and Alley, and no relation to Michael Harris II. Morton did look legitimately better than he’s looked recently. The lack of walks, and holding the Ks. The Morton issue was always mechanical, and that can get fixed at any point. He might’ve done it. It’s honestly impossible to know. As BDon and I have been saying on the podcast for the last few weeks, it was the curve that abandoned him. Not his velocity. The curve:

Looks pretty back if it’s generating swings and misses like that one. Will be interesting to see how he builds on this. Philly won’t be an easy assignment for Chazz Whiz; they’ll wanna get their licks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. It took roughly six years to figure out Swanson should hit in the two-hole. Will he stay there? Have you been paying attention?

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Carl’s Jr. Jr. with the takeout!

Carlos Rodon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.70. You know how little kids be timing their jump into a whirring fast jump rope? That’s how I feel with when to drop a Carlos Rodon sell.

Max Scherzer – Being considered for Sunday’s finale in Miami. From Missing In Action to MIA.

Carlos Carrasco – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.42, and underwent an MRI on his back due to his “suckage.” This isn’t your slightly older cousin’s Carrasco. He’s a Streamonator call, and yesterday’s start was an awful matchup, and, if he’s hurt, then chuck Carrasco.

Alex Bregman – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .229. It’s an early Christmas miracle! *intern whispers in ear* Hanukkah miracle!

Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-4 and his 20th and 21st homer, hitting .315. Captain Woo Cubano might be a top three favorite player. I want to watch his dongs on repeat, in a strictly platonic way.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Over/under 32 homers? I know, I know, I KNOW! You’re like, prorating that shizz out gets him near 40, whatchu talkin’ ’bout 32?! Gotta remember Schwarber is insane in June, okay in July, then disappears in August and September.

Zack Wheeler – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.77. Would Cy Young, thrower of 749 complete games, recognize today’s game? Write your answer on a note card and toss it into a waste basket while yelling, “Kobe!”

Jon Gray – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER. 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.18. To the tune of James Taylor’s Fire and Rain, “I’ve seen better…and I’ve seen worse…I’ve seen aces who couldn’t find the plate…”

Mike Clevinger – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.52. Nice to see this middle reliever get a start. Crazy that Ross Stripling is now more of a starter than Clevinger. What a stinker! *holds nose while pointing to rotation spot on my NL-Only teams where Clevinger is*

Jurickson Profar – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Profar is one of those guys who you think is just kinda meh, but he’s been great on the Player Rater. ACKUALLY, he’s been better than Bobby Witt Jr. and Randy Arozarena to name two randos you might think are ahead of him.

Madison Bumgarner – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.75. What a bum!

Alek Thomas – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .275. He wasn’t getting mentioned on Razzball during his 12-game hitting streak, but he knew how to remedy that. He stops that streak, and gets a homer the next day. Smart, Alek!

Christian Walker – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer. This offseason, Walker attended Adam Dunn’s seminar, “Droppin’ Bombs On Your Moms.” Walker thought it would help his MILF game, but instead learned something else entirely.

Reid Detmers – Sent down to Triple-A for being very bad. The hope for him is he won’t be “very bad.” From no-hitter to no meal voucher for OK Corral Steak and Buffet, one man’s journey to Salt Lake.

Tarik Skubal – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.63. Sigh. Red Sox were giving this game away, benching a bunch of their regulars. A home run to Refsnyder?! I mean, c’mon, Broseph.

Javier Baez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games, and Baez is Baezck!

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunner, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.34. I don’t know why you’re not picking him up. Could your shrink be right when she says you have a fear of success?

Diego Castillo – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Whatevs, he was dropped by me when Oneil Cruz was promoted. Keep it moving!

Ian Happ – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. That makes me Happ’y. *does a Pharrell dance, hurts hip, sits down*

Patrick Wisdom – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Seeing a guy you keep forever and a hot schmotato, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Alfonso Rivas – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Fun fact! His full name is Arthur Alfonzie Rivas, and he was originally scouted by the Brewers. They were impressed with how, instead of hitting with a bat, when the ball was near the plate, he’d bang on the wall.

Garrett Cooper – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Got in his one homer a month just under the wire.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. *paints hands blue* These are my Jazz hands.

Jorge Soler – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. After one dinger, Soler aptly turns the heat up. Yo, aptronym is up in here!

Triston McKenzie – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.51. Regression Fairies picked up McKenzie and flung him around like he was a pile of feathers in a pillow fight.

Amed Rosario – 4-for-5, 2 runs 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .275. I said recently I confuse Rosario and Gimenez, and I might not be the only one. Why is Andres hitting sixth and Amed 2nd? Shouldn’t that be reversed, or is it really Fito Trancona?

Oscar Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .333. Little OG Launch Angle action giving us some of that sweet power. More please.

Carlos Correa – 2-for-5 and his 6th and 7th homer. Only three behind Jordan Luplow’s home run total!

Max Kepler– 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .244. He tends to hit homers in a cluster, but, when I say it’s hilarious he was hitting third yesterday, I mean: He had one homer since April 30th and was hitting .192 in June.

Gio Urshela – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .260. No, Ur shela!

Emilio Pagan – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.13, and 5 ER in the last 2 IP, and the wheels have come off this Demogorgon. Not entirely sure who they’re going to call on next, but I’d look at Jhoan Duran, at least he’s decent.

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 4th homer in two games, and *phone rings* Hello? Mayor of Hot Schmotatoland? Ty Wigginton? Is this really you? No, I don’t have a direct link to Paredes, I’m merely a fantasy baseball ‘pert–Hello? Are you still there? I think he hung up.

Vidal Brujan – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Would be nice to see literally anything from this doode. Had high-apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes going into last year. Now, I can barely remember why we loved him.

Shane Baz – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Baz would be better without Cash? Or: Would every Rays’ player?

Colin Poche – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.35, as he pitched in the 7th. Rays don’t have a closer to put it to you bluntly, as Snoop would say.

Jose Trevino – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Pretty sure this is the first homer I’ve gotten all year from my 2nd catcher. Please clap.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-5 and his 26th and 27th homer.

Jordan Montgomery – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.97. I get the sense a lot of people are just waiting for JoMo to be no mo’. He was never going to be a 2.50 ERA guy, but if he’s able to keep his walks around 1.5 BB/9, he’s going to be usable in all leagues.

Shohei Ohtani – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.90, 1-for-3. Baseball does such a terrible job of marketing itself: Shohei Ohtani has almost the same number of All-Star votes as Andres Gimenez. This isn’t a knock on Andres Gimenez, he’s absolutely fine, but if you can’t convince people Shohei Ohtani is a generational talent, your entire marketing department should be fired.

Jesse Winker – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Winker needed a nudger, apparently, and now he’s hitting.

Paul Blackburn – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.97. Before you complain about the Regression Fairies, think about them for a second and how they had to go to that stadium in Oakland to see a game. The A’s owner doesn’t even want to go there.

George Kirby – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.12. George Kirby is featured in this week’s Buy, Sell, Hold video. It’s already on our Youtube channel (subscribe!) or you can wait until Friday for the video on the site.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .339. Au Shizz!

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .278. I have the original lyrics written on a Stone Pony napkin, it was going to be Born in the New Jersey. Here I’ll show you over by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Eric Lauer – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.89. Welp, he’s fully regressed to be a 15-team mixed league guy or deeper. There’s no hiding his early-season BABIP luck anymore.

Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-2 and his 11th homer, and his 1st homer in June. And you thought he retired and joined Alejandro Kirk and Daniel Vogelbach as a WWE tag team, the Killer Cholesterols.

Hanser Alberto – Out on paternity leave. Would be a baller move for him to name his kid, Alberto.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .302. March Comatose Guy, “Hey, I’ve been out since March, and all I remember was drafting Olson and Freeman. Stacking those corners, baby! Am I right?! Give me all those dongers! Hey, why’s everyone tiptoeing out of the room?”

Albert Almora Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and 3rd homer in five games. Hot schmotato alert!

Tyler Anderson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.00 vs. Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.71. This matchup was billed as, “I’m biting my lip and starting both, but I’m not happy about it at all.” Could’ve turned out worse from each guy (and better).

George Springer – Undergoing tests on his elbow that’s bothered him for weeks. If this shocks you, I have an electrical outlet I can sell you for your finger poking.

Bo Bichette – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, a grand slam, and he just missed a 2nd homer. Don’t let him get hot! (Which is what I say when I’m begging him to get hot.)

Ross Stripling – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Don’t trust Stripling at all. Streamonator is sorta positive on his next one, but I think that’s a Castle Woofenstein.

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. Not sure why he took April/May off. Maybe it was his oblique lingering, but June’s been more like it. Now three more months exactly the same.

Alejandro Kirk – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and no matter how much I drink I can’t stop seeing Bart Harley Jarvis every time I see Kirk.

Lucas Giolito – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.40. This is purely anecdotal, but he seems to fall behind in the count, then groove a pitch and get hammered like Mads Mikkelsen in Another Round. The numbers sorta back this up. Drilling down, his change and slider are a mess, and he can’t get people to offer at bad pitches (for them, good pitches for him). It all looks fixable, but fixing mechanics in-season is never easy. Almost optimism — I got almostism!

Danny Mendick – Left the game after getting hurt in a collision. No, he didn’t trip over himself. Shame on you.

Tyler Wells – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.34. “This power is too strong for me, you take it.” That’s Bruce Zimmermann passing off the ability to be the one decent Orioles starter. Even Streamonator hates Wells, and I agree.

Anthony Santander – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer. Also, in this game, Trey Mancini (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 7th homer. Both of these guys shouldn’t be listed after, “Hey, Grey, handsome stuff on your shoulders, but should I drop any of these players…”

Austin Hays – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, as he hit for the cycle in only a 6-inning game. The last cycle in Baltimore was McNulty going from homicide to marine unit to patrolman to retired. Austin Hays is the first Hays to hit for the cycle since Isaac Hayes made love to four women of different ethnicities in the same night during the recording of the Hot Buttered Soul album.





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